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FIRST GIRL: Just picture really big, big hair. Like tall. Like you can't fit through a door.

BEVERLY DONOFRIO: She's talking big hair. If you smoke next to it, you'd better have a fire extinguisher.

SECOND GIRL: It looks like you stuck your finger in the socket, that's what it looks like.

All you see is hair. You see this little stick figure, which is your body, and all you see is hair.

THIRD GIRL: Put it this way: you move a tiny strand from your hair, your whole hair moves. That sounds pathetic. Everything moves.

DONOFRIO: If big hair catches on all over, trust me, buy some stock in hair spray. The cans here are enormous. They sit on tables on the backroom of a disco called the Long Island Exchange where twenty finalists are waiting for things to start hopping. Their hair hasn't been made big yet, that comes later, on stage. I ask these veterans of big hair circuit about who's likely to win tonight's championship. Most of the girls point to a willowy brunette named Tara.

TARA: I mean, you could go up to a foot taller, honestly. Depends.

DONOFRIO: How much hair spray do you use?

TARA: Oh, probably about a can.

DONOFRIO: Do you ever get guilty about the ozone layer?

TARA: Honestly, no. (Laughs.) I have to be honest.

DONOFRIO: Of course.

DONOFRIO: Tara heads to the bathroom to change into her slinky outfit, like the rest of the girls. Some dresses have peek-a-boo holes. All of them are short and skin-tight. I'm beginning to wonder if this contest is really about hair.

MARK: One minute, less than one minute! I've been looking all over for you. Go over there with Janet. Janet!

DONOFRIO: Mark, the owner of the Gorgeous Hair Salon, which sponsors the event, runs around backstage. Some of the girls seem nervous. Others have been calmed by the steady stream of free drinks. Maybe someone should be counting Kathy's cocktails.

KATHY: I am a wild woman. You have to be a wild woman to have big hair. I am the biggest hair and the biggest wild woman there is. You ever listen to Metallica? Excellent! High five. Yes!

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and Gentlemen, we'd like to tell you that this is a, this is the finals of the Gorgeous Hair Salon here at the Island Exchange. Tonight we will pick six gorgeous ladies for the grand prizes. The grand prizes are given by . . .

DONOFRIO: The Long Island Exchange is the quintessential island disco. The club, done up in a fluorescent jungle motif, has several bars and a big dance floor. The guys have blow -dried hair and the girls still try to look like Charlie's Angels.

ANNOUNCER: And ladies and gentlemen, now, our gorgeous models, our first five gorgeous models please! Give a nice big round of applause to Sylvia, Kathy, Toni, Laura and Jennifer!

DONOFRIO: The first group of girls walks on stage at the front of the disco. There are five chairs set up for the girls with a stylist and an assistant standing behind each one.

ANNOUNCER: Hit it!

(Music starts.)

DONOFRIO: The minute the girls sit down, they drop their heads between their knees and the hairdressers go crazy. They tease and tease and their assistants spray and spray. Eight minutes later when the girls first sit up, the stylists beat their hair higher, wider, stiffer.

ANNOUNCER: These are our first five ladies. Let's here it for the five ladies!

DONOFRIO: The girls stand up. They're holding their arms in the air like Rocky. They're pursing their lips. The crowd goes wild. Something strange has happened. The women actually seem bigger, bolder, more substantial.

ANNOUNCER: And ladies and gentlemen, our next five contestants! Please, give it up for Vanessa . . . Sylvia . . .

DONOFRIO: It doesn't take a genius to wonder why these girls go through all the trouble. This is about self-esteem. This is about stature. Of everyone in the contest, Caroline has the biggest hair. It's three feet wide, no exaggeration, and looks like a wall with her face peeping through it.

CAROLINE: It's noticeable. You like to be noticed. I like to be noticed.

DONOFRIO: Believe me, you would notice Caroline.

CAROLINE: You know, when you're in a crown of people, you want to be spotted. You want people to say, 'Hey look at that girl over there.'

DONOFRIO: When I was in high school people were defined by their hairstyle. Greasers or hoods wore their hair teased and sprayed, while collegiates wore it straight. According to a contestant named Toni, the only thing that's changed are the styles.

TONI: Mostly they call it "Guidettes." Guidettes is like the big thing for big hair. You know, she wears the gold jewelry, and her hair is big, and she's got the big loop earrings and she wears a lot of makeup, and that's basically called a Guidette.

ANNOUNCER: If you like the lady, nice and loud, let's hear it for Miss Syliva!

DONOFRIO: Once all the contestants have had their hair poofed and biffed, the crowd gets a last chance to look at them. The girls come out one by one and strut in front of the audience.

ANNOUNCER: Now let's here it for Miss Tara!

DONOFRIO: Tara, the favorite, takes the stage. Her hair has blue stars in it and has tripled in volume.

TONI:What a can of hair spray and teasing can do. Really.

DONOFRIO: Tara's smile is so intense it trembles. She walks to the left, then the right and the middle without ever twirling around or shaking her fanny like the other girls. In fact, she kind of looks like she's been stunned by car lights. The applause is thunderous. Tara seems totally unaware that there's something about this contest that cries of wet t-shirts. She's even brought her parents.

DAD: She's a sweet heart, God love her.

DONOFRIO: Little does Dad know that after last contest the girls were approached to have their breasts dipped in plaster on cable TV.

ANNOUNCER: Once again let's here it for Miss Kristen and last but not least let's here it for Miss Caroline.

DONOFRIO: Caroline, the girl with the biggest hair by far, takes the stage. Her hand is on her hip, and her walk is energetic, no nonsense. This is me. I hope you like it. But Caroline has a strike against her.

CAROLINE: I don't listen to disco. I listen to rock and roll.

DONOFRIO: Caroline is afraid that being an avowed rocker in a disco club will spoil her chances. But whatever way it goes, she says, it doesn't really matter.

CAROLINE: Your hair is not what shows what you are -- it's your insides, it's your personality. Having big hair doesn't make me, what makes me is what's inside me.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, our winner tonight -- please give it up to Miss Tara!

DONOFRIO: In the end the judges award the grand prize, a jet ski, to the favorite, Tara. Her hair was not the biggest, she wasn't the sexiest, or the most flamboyant, but what do I know. Maybe it was her innocence that wooed the crowd. I corner Caroline, the rocker with the hair that should have won.

TONI: Look at that, I have like triple her hair. I don't know. I don't what it is, I don't know what you gotta have, but obviously I didn't have it!

DONOFRIO: On the stage, Tara looks angelic. It still doesn't seem fair that she won. But the more I stood there watching her jumping up and down, the better I felt. She's awfully pretty, her hair is big enough, and maybe she's just plain lucky. Or maybe Caroline and the others are the lucky ones. They'll have to find their self-esteem some place else. Like deep inside.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies, all step forward to the front of the stage and take a nice bow for everybody. Once again, give it up for the ladies!

DONOFRIO: For National Public Radio, I'm Beverly Donofrio.

(Music fades out.)

Reporter: Beverly Donofrio / Producer: Dave Isay / Engineer: Caryl Wheeler.

"Big-Hair Contest" premiered July 18, 1992, on All Things Considered. Copyright © 1992 Sound Portraits Productions. All Rights Reserved.

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